THE STATUE OF LIBERTY FINALLY JOINED THE MARRIAGE EQUALITY PARTY (HER INVITATION HAS BEEN LOST IN THE MAIL FOR THE PAST DECADE), BUT SHE BROUGHT A LOT OF SORE LOSERS LOOKING TO SHUT THE PARTY DOWN. THE PROBLEM IS THEY CAN’T HEAR THE SOUND OF THEIR IRRELEVANCE OVER THEIR BIBLE THUMPING.
June 26th, is a day that’s going to live in American history for a long time to come, celebrated by many, welcome by most and hated by some. This is the day the Supreme Court of the United States stopped wringing its collective hands and avoiding the polarizing issue of same-sex marriage and did something it often tries to avoid on hot button topics; it made a decision.
Before the Supreme Court were challenges to DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act), an American federal law that denied equal benefits to legally married same-sex couples, as well as California’s Proposition 8, which essentially made same-sex marriage illegal within that state. This was not the first time SCOTUS had this particular ball in its court; a decision was anticipated back in March of this year, but the Justices meekly procrastinated, pushing the decision to the final day of their current session, and some observers opined that the nine judges didn’t feel it was their place to make rulings on contentious legal issues (newsflash guys and gals-the biggest part of your job is MAKING RULINGS ON CONTENTIOUS LEGAL ISSUES!). But on this sunny day in late June, the court took a stand and struck down the legal barriers to same sex marriage, calling them unconstitutional, and therefore, illegal. That grinding sound you hear may be the slow, achingly rusted gears of the United States’ legal system reluctantly dragging it into the 21st century. Or, it could be a chorus of explosions as a bunch of heads on America’s political far right begin spontaneously combusting. Either way, America has finally caught up to the rest of the civilized world. Hey, you may be late to the party Lady Liberty, but let me be the first to give you a drink welcome you to the club.
It took a little while, but all the usual suspects have spent the latter part of the day reacting to the court’s decision, many losing what little minds they had. While Glenn Beck, Ron Paul, Michelle Bachman (you know, the one with the deeply closeted but obviously gay husband) and others have questioned the ethical implications of the ruling, many have tried to use ludicrous legal arguments that would make kindergarteners howl in laughter (how do we know people won’t start marrying animals or power tools!). Mike Huckabee took to Twitter to voice God’s apparent unhappiness (it appears the Good Lord enjoys a good Holy tweet or two every now and then) and Senator Paul has already mused he just may propose a Constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage (funny how when it comes to gun control, many Conservatives treat the Constitution like it’s Holy Scripture handed down from Jesus Himself, but when it’s used against them, well that puppy needs to be changed ASAP).
Fellas, listen up (I would include you Ms. Bachman, but I hear you’re still busy fleeing from office while being investigated by the FBI, so don’t worry your empty little head), while your all busy being outraged and climbing up on your high horses and stuff, you need to understand you lost, and you lost for good reason. Your window of intolerance and bigotry is closing. Fast. Last November, not only did the American people re-elect a black guy for President (bet that one stuck in your craw, huh guys?) but ten states also voted to recognize Same Sex marriage. More states have moved in the same direction in the few months since and a handful of prominent Republican figures have recently come out in favour of marriage equality. Current polling has shown that 58 percent of the American electorate supports equal marriage rights for gays, lesbians and bi-sexuals, with that number ballooning to a whopping 80 plus percent for voters 30 years and younger. Roughly translated for ya’ boys, that means when the baby boomers shuffle off their mortal coil and leave the voting booth behind, you’re prejudice will be an ugly foot note in American history.
And before you try using the Bible to justify your bigotry (because be honest, your going to) even Bill O’Reilly, the messiah of FOX news, America’s bastion of White, Christian Conservatism, has criticized using scripture condemning same sex marriage, saying on that if opponents were only planning on thumping their bibles, they deserved to fail (stay tuned for Bill’s inevitable flip-flop though). Besides, there are millions of Christians (and Muslims and Jews) who believe in equality and they’re reading the same book as you. But if we are going get into the biblical meat of the issue, and you plan on quoting Leviticus (because you know you do), let me ask you if you also plan on quoting the parts of Leviticus that also ban wearing clothes of different fabrics? Or voluntarily scarring the flesh (as in tattoos or piercings)? What about eating shellfish? Or planting different crops together? I’m sure a heathen like me doesn’t have to remind you fine God fearing folk that Leviticus states that each one of those nasty little deeds is a sin-an abomination even-and punishable by death (don’t worry Vatican, to the best of my knowledge Leviticus doesn’t mention anything about raping altar boys). So quick question for you Mike, when you’re not talking to the Almighty Father via social media, are you aware that if you’ve ever eaten shrimp or planted beans in the same row as corn, you should be put to death for those particular dietary and farming faux-pas? Just asking.
And by the by fellas, there are now thirteen countries, including my native Canada, where gay marriage is an afterthought, laws recognizing their equality passed years ago with nary a whimper from anyone one their political landscapes. And guess what? None of those countries has seen even the slightest hint of Almighty Wrath. That’s right Mr. Huckabee, countries like South Africa, Argentina and the Great White North still seem to be Facebook friends with God.
It’s unfortunate that the most powerful nation in the history of Mankind has to be forced to recognize equality by its courts (granting women the right to vote, civil rights for everyone, impending immigration reform), but the one thing the Supreme Court has proven over the past few decades, is even when it’s backed into a corner and forced to take a stand, it follows the winds of public opinion. And that, my uber-Conservative friends, is why no one cares what you have to say on the matter.
Now you’re probably going to toss around words like sacriliege and blasphemy and damnation in the coming days. Glenn, I know your going to struggle with anything you can’t read in a Dr. Seuss book, but I have confidence you’ll be as offensive as you possibly can be (and I can only imagine how Rush Limbaugh is going to waddle into this in between his sexist rants and Viagra pills). But just remember boys, the only ones who are going to take you seriously are the Klu Klux Klan, the Westboro Baptist Church and the Tea Party, moronic Neanderthals all, and the louder you stomp your feet and scream and cry, the more you’re going to convince people trying to ignore you to vote against your side next time they visit a voting booth.